Every girl dreams of having kids someday. We play house with our baby dolls and our barbies and we have the perfect little family. In those dreams everything just "works out." I came to realize that this is not always the case. I have watched friends struggle to get pregnant, have miscarriages, or lose babies prematurely but yet I never considered something would go wrong with MY pregnancy.
Saturday, May 14 is a day that I will never forget. I was 16 weeks along in my pregnancy and things were going as well as anyone could hope. I had not been sick, I had plenty of energy, and I was excited about becoming a new mom. I traveled with some girls on Friday to attend a friend's wedding in Oskaloosa and I was spending the weekend at my parents home. Andrew decided to stay in Sioux Center this weekend since we were both back in Oskaloosa last weekend to share the news with most of our family. On Friday night I woke up with slight spotting but thought nothing of it. I had a friend who was pregnant and she was having some similar issues so I was sure it was nothing. So when I called Andrew in the morning to tell him - he told me to call in to Orange City Clinic just to make sure that was normal. I reluctantly agreed. Not more than an hour later they called me back and told me I needed to get checked out.
In an instant, I went from being completely calm to extremely worried. My heart started racing and I really wished that Andrew would have decided to come along this weekend. I was driving to Pella for a baby shower so I opted to visit the Pella Hospital hoping for a quick visit so I could still attend the shower. Upon arrival they asked me a series of questions and decided they would do an ultrasound to check things out. Unfortunately, it was the weekend, so I ended up waiting 30-40 minutes until a technician could arrive to perform the ultrasound. She performed the ultrasound and I could see the baby moving and also could hear the heart beat. My mind was now at ease. They brought me back to my room and I thought I would be let go shortly. Not so much. I continued to wait, in a small hospital room, by myself for the next hour and a half. By this point I am furious because why can't someone come and tell me what is going on. Finally, the doctor comes back. He says that the baby looks fine but I have prematurely ruptured. There was no longer any fluid around the baby. He proceeds to tell me that the odds of our baby making it were not very good. There is a small chance that the membrane around the baby could grow together and fluid would return otherwise the baby will not make it without any fluid.
So many things flood to your mind when someone tells you such devastating news. I wanted to run from the hospital and ignore what I had been told. I wondered if I should get a second opinion. We just had an ultrasound on Monday and the baby looked fine. This couldn't really be happening. Did I do something wrong? Maybe I should not have mopped the floors before I left this weekend. Did I do too much in Florida? How I am I going to tell Andrew? How are we going to tell our family? I could probably write a whole book on everything that was rapidly going through my head.
I listened to the rest of the information the doctor was telling me but truthfully I didn't comprehend half of it. I was focused on leaving the hospital and making it to the car before I started crying. I was trying to hold on to the hope that maybe we will regain fluid and our baby will make it but I knew that odds were not in our favor. I made it to the car and by this point my hands were shaking, my body was hot all over, and I didn't know how I was going to tell Andrew over the phone. I don't think I have ever dreaded a phone call so much in my life. How do you start a conversation like that? I guess you could say I didn't - by the time I dialed the number I was already crying so Andrew knew the information was not good. I managed to get out that my water broke and there was no more fluid around the baby. I told him that we most likely would lose the baby. (Many people have asked if I knew when my water broke - the answer is yes - but when you are 16 weeks along and carrying your first child you do not have a lot of fluid and you do not know what it feels like to have your water break. Therefore I did not assume anything was wrong.)
We immediately decided that we needed to be together to process this information and Andrew would either drive or fly down to get me. The flying option would be a benefit to having a pilot for a husband. It was now noon on Saturday and the bleeding had stopped so the doctor said only time would give us any answers. There was no reason for me to travel back to Sioux Center other than the fact that I wanted to be in my own home, with my husband, and near doctors that we were familiar to us. Since there was nothing urgent we decided that my parents would start driving me towards Sioux Center and Andrew would start coming towards Oskaloosa; we would meet in the middle somewhere.
Menlo Exit: This is where we ended up meeting Andrew. There was nothing special about this exit - we were parked at the opening of a bean field but yet we joked that we would never forget this exit. We said goodbye to my parents and I think we all thought this would be the last goodbye while the baby was still with us as well.
As Andrew and I drove back to Sioux Center we had a lot of time to think. The questions of why us and what are we supposed to do now both lingered on our minds. Two days ago I traveled back to Oskaloosa for a friend's wedding and now we find ourselves trying to cope with the idea that we will not get to know this baby on earth but more likely in heaven. I was angry because the timing seemed awful. We thought we were "out of the woods" since we were 16 weeks before we told family. Now our family knew and we would have to explain all of this to them too. Why are we losing this baby NOW? We knew that we were not going to get answers to all of our questions but we were just looking forward to being home together to face whatever was going to happen next. Little did we know that things would start to happen shortly after we arrived back in Sioux Center. I had asked the Pella doctor if I should be concerned about anything. He said I could miscarry at home but since I was so far along if I started to bleed a lot I should go in to the hospital. So later Saturday evening, I started bleeding more and we called Orange City hospital to question whether I needed to head in for observation. They agreed we should come in.
Before leaving our home that night we cried together and said our goodbye's to our baby. We were sure by this point he/she was already gone and we would not have the opportunity to raise him/her. We took a few pictures so that we could still hold onto the precious memories we had with our baby. We sent a text to our immediate family to let them know what was going on and to pray for us and our baby. We both know that God had a plan for this baby before He even created him/her but we would love for that plan to include us. If this is not Gods will, we ask that you pray for strength for us as we cope with losing the baby. We know God's love is much greater than ours so either way this baby is in a good place.
Ironically, amidst the chaos of the day, Andrew and I were both at peace with whatever happened. We could feel God with us and we knew that He had it all under control. It is hard to explain how one can be okay with such a horrible scenario but yet we were. We knew it was God's presence/plan and we were just along for the ride. People always say you can feel the presence of God and now we can agree 100% because we were blessed to experience it. Don't get me wrong - we wanted it to have a happy ending but we also wanted God's will to be done.
We knew God had a hand over us the entire day. We just drove five hours home and had no complications. I could have easily started bleeding on the trip home. The second stand out moment to us was the doctor that God had on call in Orange City. Dr. Hanson took care of us in Orange City and he was saying all of the "right" things that we needed to hear. He told us that no matter what happened with our baby we needed to put our trust back in God to try again for more kids. God is a great God and we shouldn't shy away because we were facing trial. He went on to perform an ultrasound and we were all shocked that our baby was still doing great! There were no signs of stress and the heart beat was as strong as ever. It was decided that we should head to Sanford Hospital in Sioux Falls to be checked out by a specialist. Although we are very early in the pregnancy they wanted to look at all options. We had not packed any bags along with us so we were given the option to go by ambulance or drive ourselves. Since the baby was not considered viable yet they didn't think it would cause any more problems if we went home first to pack. So we opted for that option - also gave us some more time alone. Before leaving that night Dr. Hanson prayed with us. Andrew and I will forever appreciate the care he gave us but more so for the unconditional Christian love he showed to us without even knowing us.
We arrived at Sanford around 2:30 am on Sunday morning. We were accidentally given directions to Avera Hospital so we had an interesting time trying to find the Sanford emergency room. It was also pouring down rain which in a way was comforting to break the silence but I am sure it made driving more difficult for Andrew. We finally flagged down a cop to give us the correct street for Sanford and we located the hospital. We were checked in and they confirmed that I was not dilated at all and therefore we would wait to do an ultrasound and talk with the specialist until morning. It was 5 am now and we were exhausted. Tomorrow would be another day of many questions.
(To Makinley): We have never been so heartbroken in our lives. I felt like someone punched the air out of me when they told me you weren't going to make it. We want so badly to have you as a part of our family. You are already loved by so many people and we pray over and over again that it is God's plan for you to be with us. We love you soo much! I already have an airplane onesie waiting for you to wear proudly and we have so many dreams for you. You are a blessing to us no matter what happens. We know you will be in a good place whether you live with us on earth or go to live with Jesus in Heaven. We know He loves you too. Please keep being strong. We hope you are not having to work too hard and that you are still comfortable inside of mommy. You will forever have a place in our hearts!
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